I Am Scared

CW: mental health

Today, I’ll admit, I feel scared.

I am scared of my future. I know most people would say for my future, but I’m scared of it. The unknown. How suddenly I have zero control over anything that will happen to me. There is nothing set in stone that will protect even my future tomorrow.

I am scared of the future that my anxiety and mind have created. The future where I really have no job, no prospects, no ‘next step’. When I have to ask myself the question, “What do I do now?”

I am scared of having to rebuild a life so different to the one I had before. I liked my life. I loved it. But it feels like everything I once had is no longer possible. And it feels like that because, well, it’s the truth.

I am scared that I should be doing something else. That I should have more to show from being stuck with nothing to do for nearly a year. All I have are words on a page that no one has read. Is that really an accomplishment?

I am scared of my mental health. Worried that I’ll fall back into the pit where I was years ago which took so much energy and time to get out of. I don’t want to have rely once again on doctors, medications.

I am scared that I’ve lost my friends. We used to chat every day, and now I have to be the one who texts first. And I’m not texting. So no texts come through.

I am scared that I currently find the most peace and happiness reading the lives of fictional characters.

I am scared to admit I need help.

I am scared I might be spiralling.

I am scared that I want to hide.

I am scared that someone will read this. I am scared. Please know: I am scared. But please know: I will be ok. Somehow. Because we’re all scared right now. Right?

Image courtesy of Melanie Wasser.

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