To: myself on the days I don’t like myself for who I am
Also, to: society that tells me I have to be one thing
I am now starting to write this letter with hopes to complete it (because I mostly don’t complete things) and possibly have it up on the website I have been meaning to write for for ages – The Hysteria Collective.
I have an On-and-Off relationship with writing.
It’s a love that I long for; it’s a love that gives back at times, it’s a love that doesn’t at other times.
There are times I fall in love with writing so much, hyper-fixate for days, and keep writing until my brain literally cannot anymore.
There are times I do not want to go anywhere near writing and run away from it as much as I can.
I like things and then I don’t.
That’s me and my ADHD.
I fall in love completely with something one day and out of it the next.
And that’s scary.
I do not have anything that I can do forever.
And this lockdown proved that to me even more.
Swiping through Instagram stories of people,
Passionate about one (or two) things they truly love.
Sharing the lovely products that birthed from their love,
While I do not have that one thing I truly love,
While I may never have the perfect piece birthed out of my love and patience.
It scares me that I won’t have a stable/constant career or life because of this – as society tells me.
But on the other hand, this is also what gets me going.
This is what makes me try out new things everyday.
This is what makes me fall in love with life everyday.
Maybe I won’t have one thing that I truly love, ever.
But I have a box of numerous things that I do.
That I adore.
I look at it as a collection of things and resources I have.
And on days when I want to do nothing,
I can open this box and pick one out.
Or maybe a hundred out in one day and none for the next whole month.
Maybe I won’t ever master the art of one, but always be a jack of all.
I am a writer on some days, painter on the others,
poet on some days, activist on the others,
mental health advocate on some days, researcher on the others,
student on some days, teacher on the others,
entrepreneur on some days, therapist on the others.
That’s my ADHD. That’s my lockdown. That’s my life.
It’s chaos. It’s messy. It’s all over the place.
But it’s mine and I am going to love it for what it is.