And I am totally over it.
But… things are changing.
I spent 3 years in my overdraft at uni, normally in the bottom of it, and I am on my way to being out of it. I wouldn’t check my bank balance for days at a time, I would swipe and hope, I would pray I didn’t need to replace a tyre, or need to pay for something out of the blue. Checking my balance would make me sweat, feel sick and be filled with a crippling sense of dread.
And now I look at my upcoming pay day as a recent graduate, working full time, I know I will be out of it in one fell swoop.
Being in my overdraft has been a kind of badge of honour of doing student life “well”; drinking, eating out, exploring, going to clubs and spending. And now I am looking at a total without a minus before a worrying number; I am spending my money, not Santander’s.
Little things like that are really changing in this graduate world. I feel so lucky to be back in employment and heading towards being out of debt with one less thing to be anxious about.
One thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that I am TIRED.
I was a machine at uni, I did so much. I did 10 societies in two years, three committees, I was women’s officer for the Union and had several jobs. I did a degree, ran this platform and did performing arts. I was exhausted. But now, the exhaustion feels deeper; a little sadder.
Working and studying from home now is so tiring. The screen, the desk, the diary, the lists. I am so so overtired and dying for a day in the life of my student self.
And on top of that, I have realised that I am not the happiest with my body anymore. I have gained a lot of weight in the last few months, but more importantly have felt my fitness slip. I love feeling strong mentally and physically and through lack of exercise and just being busy and tired, I haven’t really worked out. So, I spent some of my new found funds on a gym membership.
It’s really funny, you know, the things that change when you graduate. I have more money, more time, more work experience. But I am so tired, still so busy and still anxious and stressed about other things.
And that is ok.
I guess my message here is that no matter how life changes, where you’re at age wise, you will always be busy and tired and feel unhappy about something. But there are so many other exciting opportunities going on. So many things to love, to learn and to enjoy. They will just be a little different each time.
So here’s to finding those silver linings in each new step of life. And here’s to accepting that wherever you are, there are going to be difficult things going on, and you will get through them to find new silver linings. Just because a period of your life ends doesn’t mean you lose the good or the bad, there is no cure-all. You just find a new state of being.