Aunty Raff’s Single Sundays: Week Eight – Friends with Benefits: Do They Work?

Hello all!

Welcome back! I hope your week was alright. You enjoyed the sun and you didn’t get to angry or upset about the fact that I wrote an article giving you tips on something that none of us will be doing for a while. But at least you’re prepared for when we can hoe out again.

This week I will be covering another topic that won’t be relevant for a while, however it’s something that should be considered after lockdown ends. Like, if you’re not feeling dating, but still wanna get your kicks, this is the perfect solution, for some people. That is the topic of Friends with Benefits (FWBs). I feel like this is another one I can have a lot to say on as I’ve had two. One that did not work and one that did. In fact, the one that worked we still chat and he reads these post. So, hello friend! Sorry in advance for anything you may read.

                So, in this article I will be discussing my personal experiences with FWBs and then sharing some tips that I have picked up from my experiences. So let’s get on with it.

As I’ve said, I’ve had two FWBs in my life. One that didn’t work and one that did, and from that I have learnt a lot. And from just these two experiences I can tell you the FWBs do work, but only if you’re in the right headspace for them. So, for example, the main reason that I believe my first one didn’t work was because what I thought I wanted and what I actually wanted were two different things. The two people who entered that situation were just two people who should not have done it. We were both dealing with a break-up. Me, by a few months and him, like two weeks. He asked me and I was like “yeah sure” because I found him attractive and there was this spark between us so I thought fuck it (or rather him). However, he realised that he had unresolved feelings for his ex (so he says) and I realised that I caught the feels which is the one rule of FWBs, don’t catch the feels. And if you do, fucking jump ship! My successful FWB came when I was in a better place mentally, I hadn’t had sex in a while and I just wanted to have some fun. And also, the guy I decided to do it with, like he was fit (please don’t let this go to your head mate), and we got on as mates but there wasn’t anything there for me to get romantic feelings for him. Which came to a shock to everyone, including myself as I am someone that will catch feelings for a guy I’ve never spoken to who I’ve seen on the same bus a few times. However, being FWBs with him was so successful that, I feel we actually became better mates from it. Like, our friendship has moved so far past the fact that we use to sleep together that I sometimes forget that we ever have.

Now to share some tips I have picked up to have a successful Friends with Benefits.

  1. Be honest with yourself: This is the most important thing to keep in mind during the whole situation from start to finish. Before you even think about entering this situation, you gotta be honest as to why you’re doing it. You gotta be honest with yourself as to whether you think this is the right thing for you. Don’t be doing it because the person you like has suggested it and you think this is the best way to sleep with them. Be honest with yourself when you realise you start catching feels for them, and then be honest with them by talking to them about your feelings and ending it. Be honest with yourself at all times is the best way to get the best out of it.
  2. Picking the right person: This is also important. As stated, DO NOT PICK SOMEONE THAT YOU HAVE MORE THAN JUST SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO! That is when it all starts to go downhill. The best person is someone that you find attractive enough to sleep with but you’re not compatible in a serious relationship. You feel comfortable enough to be naked around them and have open discussions about sex and what not, but you don’t wanna share your deepest secrets with. You wanna sit on their face but not really have a conversation with it after. And when you find that person, just ask them. And be direct. For me I legit just sent my mate a message and was like “Hey, do you fancy being friends with benefits?” If they say no, you just say cool, just wanted to give it a try see you around. If they say yes, you’ve already stated that it will be a casual situation and you don’t want anything more than just sex.
  3. Talk openly and honestly about when you like in bed: FWBs is about sex, that is the bottom line of it. And if you’re not enjoying the sex, what is the point. So don’t feel bad about letting your FWB know what you like and don’t like. If there’s something that they’re doing that isn’t doing it for you let them know. Also be prepared that they will have some notes for you too. But that communication is key to getting the best out of the situation. And if the sex is bad but you don’t wanna end it, remember to be honest with yourself and ask why you don’t want to.
  4. YOU ARE NOT EXCLUSIVE: If you find out that your FWB has slept with someone else (which they should tell you about only from, like a health thing. Like, if they slept with someone and they didn’t use protection they should let you know and vice versa), you are not allowed to be mad about it. This situation is casual and you are both allowed to sleep with other people. In fact, I would encourage it. Don’t stop putting yourself out there just because you have a FWB. In fact, put yourself out there more so you don’t need one and you could end up finding a partner that you wanna sit on their face AND have a conversation with it after.
  5. Don’t go on dates: I don’t even need to explain this one. Just booty-call them and that’s it
  6. To stay the night or not: Tricky one this. Plus side of staying over is that you can have sex more than once, have some cuddles and have morning sex (which is great), down side is that it’s too comfortable. But this is where open, frank chats come into it. Just ask them if they wanna stay the night. They probably will and that’s grade. The beauty is, if you don’t want them to stay the night, you don’t have to feel guilty about asking them to leave. But also be prepared that they might not wanna stay the night and you have to be cool with that too. If you’re not, ask yourself why. Main word of advice, keep the pillow talk to a minimum, do not talk deep because the after sex hormones will have you tripping. With successful FWB there were times where it all got too cute for me and I got freaked. Like we would have nice after sex talks, or one time we just snogged really intensely with no sex and that was too couplely for me. But then he blew a raspberry on my tit and order was restored.
  7. If feelings are caught, discuss: If you do end up catching feelings, first of all really ask yourself if you do like them or you just like having sex with them and the idea of them. When you’ve established with yourself that, nope you have really caught those feels, DO NOT CONTINUE AND PRETEND EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT! That is not healthy for you and not fair on the other person. Let the other person know that, unfortunately you don’t think you can continue with this situation as feelings have now been involved and it’s best to end it. Best case scenario (the movie example) is they turn around and say they also like you and you start a relationship. The normal one is that they will respect you for letting them know and you part ways and everything will be gravy.
  8. If you’re someone that needs an emotional connection to have sex, FWBs is probably not for you: And sometimes dogs are brown. Like, you probably know this, but just wanted to state it. The key to FWBs is being able to separate the emotions and the sex and just think about the sex. So if you’re not someone who can do that, a partner is what you need and not a FWBs.

Anyway, that’s all for this week. I hope this was somewhat useful and helped you out if you were thinking about going down the route of FWBs. If not, I hope it entertained you for a bit. Next week I will be looking at how to deal with a heartbreak. Such fun topics.

Remember, single life is a choice, just not always your choice, but it’s how you deal with it that makes it worthwhile.

Take Care,

Aunty Raff xx

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