Dear friends that I don’t keep in touch with,

I am sorry that I don’t reply, that I don’t have much input into the group chat, and that I don’t reach out.

When I look at my inbox full of unread messages and messages left on read, I feel full of anguish that I didn’t reply at the time. I saw it at the time, why didn’t I reply? I don’t know. My life feels on a slight different trajectory than some of yours and I fear my stories and woes are of not interest to you. I am often consumed with feelings that I have left it too long, that we aren’t regular communicators so it would make no sense for me to reach out… I wonder how I’d feel if someone I hadn’t spoken to in a while reached out. And I know I’d like it, it’s always fun to catch up, it would make me feel valued. So why I am so paralysed when it comes to being the first to reach out, I do not know.

Now that our lives are filled with zoom quizzes, virtual after work drinks, and faces on screens I realise that i’d like it to carry on. I like seeing you even though we are miles apart. I like seeing you even though we don’t visit each other regularly. I like seeing you. I’m proud of all of you and love hearing about your successes from you, rather than just making assumptions from social media posts. I want to carry on being a part of your life.

I have met some wonderful people over the years and so many that I wish I had made the effort with and if you feel the same let me know.

You make friends, you lose friends. That’s just the way it goes. But I don’t want to loose any of you.

I’ll try to be better and I’ll try to reach out.