Aunty Raff’s Single Sundays: Week Five – Men are Trash & Other Stories

Hello all! And welcome back!

Hope you’re all well. Can you believe that it’s already been five weeks since I started telling you all about what single life is like? I can’t! Once again, thank you to everyone that comes back and read this thing every week.

So, after last week’s quite deep article, thought I would write about something more entertaining. All the time men weren’t great in my life. Now, obviously, not all men are trash, just the ones I seem to be attracted to. Because, let’s be honest, if I found a good one then I wouldn’t be single now would I? It seems like all the best men are already taken (obviously, they’re too good to be single) or fictional (looking at you Connell from Normal People). So here are some of my most outrageous and just a bit annoying moments I have encountered with men during my time of being single and I hope it gives you some light entertainment, if anything.

I’m gonna start off with the most ridicules thing a guy has done to me to par me off. One that, still till this day, I question if it really happened. So, one time I slept with this guy and it was a good shag and we got on and what not. He added me on Facebook as soon as he left me in the morning and I joked about having round two at another point. Anyway, we texted for a bit, he wasn’t the best replier, but obviously I made excuses for him and didn’t see it for what it was, which was him kinda brushing me off. Anyway, about two weeks after we first did the deed, I decided to shoot my shot and asked him if he was ever up for round two. I was not asking him on a date or anything of the sort, just wanted to know if he wanted to bang again. He then hits me up with “Oh no, I’m sorry, I’ve actually started seeing someone. I’m really sorry, but if it doesn’t end well, I will let you know.” Obviously, was a bit shocked as it had only been two weeks, and also, who says “If it doesn’t end well, I’ll let you know”? But I got on with my life and basically forgot about him. Of course there were times when I felt shit about myself so I did what any girl in my position would do, text someone they shouldn’t. So, I would message him and he would be really good and sending messages and making the effort to talk to me, even though he had this girlfriend. I did think it was weird, especially as he never mentioned her until I casually brought it up because I wanted to see if they were still together, they were. Fast forward to October last year and he’s moved to London and we’re going to the same Halloween party. I start chatting to him, bit of flanter as I’ve been informed that he is single. I get excited. The night of the Halloween party he turns up, was a bit too keen, turned out I had gone off him, which is fine. But then, during the night, it comes out that he had made up the girlfriend the whole time! That is right people, there was no girl he was seeing. Now, obviously, that annoyed me. Who makes up a girlfriend like that? So, I’m very happy I avoided him. So a piece of advice, if you want to turn someone down guys, just say so. You don’t need to make up a person to reject someone because, more often than not, that’s gonna be a bigger mess than just saying “hey, yeah, I had a great time with you, but not really feeling it.”

This next story, comes from my first one-night-stand and also the second guy I ever slept with. It’s a surprise I ever had a one-night-stand ever again after this because it was just so bad. So this was a few months after my break-up and I brought this guy back to my halls after a night out at uni and it was going well as it could. The first thing, which wasn’t that bad, was he thought he should tell me that he has never slept with anyone with tattoos. Which isn’t trashy as such, but also, not needed. I can tell you, that sleeping with a person with tattoos isn’t any different from sleeping without them. Having tattoos doesn’t automatically make you better in bed. Then, while we were having sex, he nearly slipped it into the wrong hole. When I informed him of that he said, and I quote, “would that be so bad?” The answer, of course it fucking would. He also asked for a blowjob, which you know, is fine, even though bit trashy to ask for it, especially since I told him he was my second person. When I asked him if he would return the favour, he outright refused. Said he didn’t do that. Now, I may be wrong, but on a one-night-stand isn’t always expected, but like, if you want it, be prepared to give it back. He also thought he needed to comment on the fact I was the hairiest person he slept with, which makes me feel really good. And on top of all of that, he was bed hogger and wanted to sleep with me again on a later date to prove that he was good in bed. To be honest, I’m surprised I did continue to have one-night-stands after that.

Another story I want to share was the time I nearly lost my virginity. It was with the first guy I dated when I was 18 and he was 25. As I had never dated anyone I didn’t know how to deal with the whole thing, so I only told him that I was virgin when we were getting hot and heavy (which was the right thing to do). Anyway, after some lacklustre foreplay he was about to go in (without a condom which is trashy in itself as he hadn’t asked me about protection), and he double checked if I was ok with it. I told him I wasn’t. And he took that well and he even said that he was willing to wait because he was playing the long game with me. Until a week later he called me a cocktease because I didn’t want to have sex with him when I wasn’t ready. He was just a full on trash human for many other reasons, but that was definitely the cherry on the cake.

Now, not all my trash men stories involve sex. Twice I have been ghosted right before a date. The first one, the guy cancelled 45 minutes before our date, when I was already ready and on my way out to go to it. He asked to reschedule and then processed to ghost me. The other one was more recent. I matched with this guy on Bumble and after a bit of chatting I asked him if he was down for a virtual date (because quarantine) and he was down. Even gave me options for when he was free during the weekend. I said Saturday was good for me and then he never got back to me. I gave him the whole weekend to get back to me. Then I called him out, and still to this day I’ve never heard from him. Teaches me for trusting an actor.

For my last story, as I’ve realised this article has gone on for a while, does have a sort of happy ending. Basically, last year I ended up catches feelings for one of my best guy friends, because obviously that’s something I would do. Anyway, stuff happened between us. Then one drunken night on holiday drunk me thought it was a good idea to text him my feelings, on Snapchat of all places. So I poured my heart out to him and saying I would understand if he didn’t feel the same, I just didn’t want it to ruin our friendship. Anyway, this guy screenshot the message and then just replied with “lol”. I then didn’t hear from him for about two days, and then he messaged me saying that he didn’t want any relationship but he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. Then he started to be a little bitch about meeting up until I called him out for it. And now we’re still real good friends. So happy ending, but I still take the mick about how he was a dick.

Now, apart from hopefully entertaining you, these stories did serve a purpose. And the purpose is to show you that you will always deal with shitty people, because people are shitty, but don’t let that stop you from putting yourself out there. As the saying goes, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs. If I let every set back, actually set me back and not use it as a funny story or a lesson I don’t know where I would be, but I don’t think I would be as strong without them.

So, that’s it for this week. Please, if you do have any questions send them over to thehysteriacollective@gmail.com as I would love to help you. No question is too out there. And remember, single life is a choice, just not always your choice, but it’s how you deal with it that makes it worthwhile.

Take Care,

Aunty Raff xx  

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