(To my future self)
One day, you will wear dresses with twirly skirts and drink Instagrammable cocktails under fairy lights. You will twirl in the street and laugh without fear of the future.
One day, you won’t need to check her blog any more in self-preservation, waiting for the next fresh hell to come. One day, you won’t be afraid any more.
One day, you will fall asleep without crying, without the weight of intrusive thoughts. One day, you will wake up and anxiety won’t be the first thing on your mind.
One day, it won’t take all your strength to text a friend back.
One day, you will find yourself living your best life in the town you dreamed of, at the uni you dreamed of, working on the project of your wildest fantasies. You will be motivated again.
One day, you’ll save all the black cats and cultivate an all-female haven of floofy positivity in the apartment of your dreams. You’ll snuggle up every night in a haze of cat hair and assurance that you’re making the world a kinder place.
One day, your biggest problem will be whether your lipstick matches your sweater. You’ll make plans with new friends and you won’t feel guilty for every moment you’re happy, every moment you weren’t worrying about her.
One day, you’ll forget that she existed.
This time in lockdown might not be so scary to someone who has been locked inside her own mind for too long, the OG of social isolation, but that just means it has a different power for you. You can use this time as a period of growth and transformation. You can rise above the panic that is nothing new to you because you’ve been controlled by terror for five years. You can use this as a time to chase peace, to slow down, and learn to find healing instead of distraction. You’ve trained for a lifetime of panic; now train for the future you want. Because this pandemic won’t last forever; one day, the world will find new life and you will too. Use this time to make sure you’re ready for it.
Your past self who knows you can do better