When we got together,
He knew I had a commitment phobia
But then he told me about the better world he saw,
And I realised it reflected a world that I once knew
And I began to believe in it again,
So I started to reassemble the crumbled bits of ruin,
Piece by piece,
To form a map of my direction
Which I had lost but now had found.
He described all the places he wanted to take me
Spain, Japan, Ireland, Italy, Broadway.
He wanted to take my hand,
Put some music on,
And show me places I had never been before
With him holding me the entire time.
He sold to me a picture of my future
With a golden retriever, a german shephard and a rescue cat
In a house big enough to raise a family.
He started telling stories of “When my book is published
And we’re at the launch party,
I want you right there with me as I give my speech.”
Slowly I began to believe him.
He told me he loved me everyday
“Like, lots and lots and lots and lots”
He would say while nuzzling my cheek.
Every day he texted me like I was the first thing on his mind
At night he would text me again because I was the last thing on his mind
He told me that I was beautiful
And I slowly learnt not to shudder
Because I believed him.
Some days the paranoia was too much
And I would ask him if he genuinely loved me.
But then he would tell me he was mine
Until I decided I didn’t want him anymore.
He wouldn’t let me go until the panic had disappeared.
I began to tell him that we had a whole lifetime together
We could wait some more,
And face together whatever issues came our way.
I even named the golden retriever Bambi.
He told me that I was home.
Whenever he would leave,
He would reassure me that he would always come home.
Then he told me
That he never loved me.