Some of us fear it, some of us embrace it, some of us are deprived of it, and some of us are indulged in it.
It is said to be one of the most powerful emotions, that it makes us do irrational things and can sometimes not be logical, but without it, we wouldn’t be who we are.
That sounds cringey, oh I know, and I cringe too, as I sit here in my kitchen alone, with a finished mug of tea and my brain filled with thoughts.
But it is true, we wouldn’t be who we are without it.
Love makes us strong, but it also makes us weak. Opening up your heart can sometimes feel like opening up the gates to a castle and letting a whole army in; will they attack or will they grab an ale and produce chants and songs of merriment?
I had always wanted to be loved (as anyone does) and that sounds strange, because I am. I know I am. By my family, my dogs, my cat, my guinea pig, my work colleagues at the Dockyard and the Pier and Shakeaway, the small amount of friends I have left from Kent and all the amazing people that I have met in Southampton, (and even my fans at karaoke).
I would do anything for all these people, because they have shown love when I have needed it the most.
Love I would say is like life, it has its amazing moments, where you feel so great that nothing can get in the way. You have a skip in your step, a grin on your face and you can hear the birds tweeting in the trees. But sometimes, it leaves you open and defenceless, and without these times, you wouldn’t know just how good the great times are.
Even throughout the hard periods, I am learning slowly not to fear them, because the sun will shine once again. It may take days, weeks, months or even years, but it will shine. The rain will stop, the clouds will disperse, and the warmth will return.
I felt like I was living in an eternal darkness for my entire seven years at secondary school, people were not kind, they did not show love, they did not show what my family had shown me. They showed me hate, and pain, and anger and negativity, and I thought I could never escape the constant fear that being there provided me. And then I left.
I waited for it to go, I didn’t force it, I waited. Because everything gets better with time, that I knew for a fact. I knew that one day I would find people who appreciated me for who I am, who would not use my kind heart that I inherited from my mum and rip it to shreds. I knew I would find people who I could be myself around, and the day of being truly me would come.
Due to such pain at school (even if it seems like an exaggeration), I shut out my family. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, and my family had to suffer the consequences, and I regret that everyday. I still regret it.
But it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to want to scream and shout, it’s okay to show emotion, because that’s you surviving and getting through it.
University has helped me ridiculously, my confidence is even higher and it even got to the point where I was being called a BNOC (Big Name On Campus, which I find absolutely hilarious and not true). University was my light in the darkness, as I have gotten to meet so many incredible people (that would take me a long long time to list) and study what I am passionate about.
Don’t get me wrong, there were places in my life that did the same thing, the Dockyard and the Pier before I came to university. Telling people I worked as a pirate and a fairy has always gained funny reactions, and working behind the bar for such a lovely family makes my heart warm, and I miss both places incredibly.
A lot of this might not make sense, it might not link, but I don’t care, I’ve never been good at writing essays anyway. But it does link, in my mind, it does.
Because all of these situations and pain showed me that love, no matter what type, can help. Even if it’s from someone random, like the stranger who told me to smile when I walked to the bus station back in Kent because I perhaps looked sad, it was a form of love.
And that’s what we should show, as people. We shouldn’t shut people out, and hide things, and hurt other people. We should appreciate each other, we should make each other laugh. If that guy walking down the street has a cool jacket, then tell him! If the girl in the loos is worried about how she looks and if the dress is nice enough, tell her she looks beautiful!
I try to, because at the end of the day, seeing the happy reactions is enough to make me smile.
And in such pressing times, I think that’s what the world needs.