Letters From Lockdown 17: Anonymous

Content Warning: Abuse

Dear A,

To say the words “I forgive you” are really hard. I’ve never been religious and never really understood the whole forgiveness thing. If someone’s done something to you, why should you then say what they’ve done is ok? Does it somehow diminish what they’ve done to you? Does it truly make you the better person or is it just empty words to sound in control of a situation? 

I’ve been hurting for for years now from all that’s happened between us. The healing process isn’t getting any easier but it’s happening. Slowly and finally happening. I’m starting to understand that no action is completely one person’s fault and that the hell of a gray area in abuse is there because of it. All this time I’ve moved from pinning the blame from myself to you and back again but the truth is abuse is a vicious cycle. Once you’re in it, it’s incredibly hard to get out of it- both physically and mentally. 

I forgive you because you hurt and saw hurt too. I forgive you because you had to grow up seeing and going through abuse. I forgive you because you too are hurting. You too are scared.It doesn’t make what you did any better or any worse; you propagated the abuse and affected people that didn’t need to be affected but to be honest, I don’t think you were equipped to deal with the pile of shit life handed you very well.

It was too easy to fall back into the habits you saw growing up. I can’t forget the hours and years of fear and pain that I’ve had to endure. They’re still happening. I don’t think I’ll ever fully heal from any of it. But I can forgive. It’s something that you’ll never be able to take away from me and it’s a little bit of power I can hold over you. Your life was shit, you made mine shit but that’s ok. I’m equipped to deal with it even if you weren’t. I won’t propagate abuse and hate and suffering. I won’t have to have anyone forgive me.


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