If I, at fifteen years old, had met myself now, I would not recognise the woman I have become. I don’t mean that in a bad way at all, I mean it in a way that people change, and even over a short span of three years, a lot can happen.
I wouldn’t have known then, that I would meet a boy that I fell for, and who broke me to the point where I didn’t properly eat for two months, that I would become fierce and strong and that I would protect my heart with all the power I could muster. I wouldn’t have known that the bond between my mum and I would no longer be weak and fragile, and that I would stand once again. Perhaps if I had known then, maybe life would have changed its course to something better or worse, but what I do know, is that I wouldn’t change it.
The woman in my life who has greatly influenced me would be my mum, with her kind and empathetic heart and her incredible amounts of strength that she uses to fight for and protect her eight children. She withstood a lot of heartache, pain and anger, and she had moments where she felt like she had no place or point in this world, but I know, in my world, she is everything.
I cannot express how much I care for her, and how proud I am of her. I know that she too, has had someone in her life that has inspired her and helped her as much as she has for me, and it breaks my heart to see that her mother (my grandmother) is no longer here to provide that strength and warmth that my mum does for me.
My mum was the hand that pulled me up when I fell, both physically and metaphorically, and at her hand, she has not only raised me, a young woman who stands up for what she believes in, but my two incredible sisters as well.
My eldest sister has always inspired but somewhat frightened me (in a good way) because of her fierceness and will. I have never, in my eighteen (almost nineteen) years of life, seen her cry. She is a soldier, and she will not take any damage. I have looked up to her ever since I was little, for her times in Canada and when she was at uni. Also, she has my gorgeous niece, whom reminded me of the beauty that life can be when I needed it the most.
My other sister is funny and outgoing, but also strong and fierce too. She is so beautiful, and growing up, I always wished I had her beauty. She says things as they are, and her voice is always heard, no matter the situation. I don’t see her that often anymore because she lives so far away, but every moment we have I cherish. She has the most amazing smile, one that can light up a room, and even if she hates the tattoo on the back of her neck, I always have thought that it’s amazing.
However, I must say that one woman provided the strength that all of these women in my life have, and she is my grandmother. We have the same birthday, and we lost her almost two years ago. I remember how lost my mum had felt, because my nan was one of a kind.
I remember when I was little I would visit her in Cambridge, and every time we went to leave and drive away, she would stand at the door waving goodbye. I remember the way her hair was so curly, and her blue eyes, and how she would make strawberry jam (even if I didn’t like it). She would measure our height on the kitchen door, and the carpets in her house were so soft you could sleep on them. She had a cupboard next to the front door which had a drawer full of loose change.
I didn’t know when I was little how my nan had felt, the fact that she had lost her husband years and years ago, and had to raise her three children by herself, just like my mum. I didn’t know she had to be feisty, in my eyes, she was my sweet grandmother who gave me chocolate when mum said no.
Without any of these women, I would not be me. I would not have kicked that weirdo in that club who touched me without my permission, I would not have threatened that guy I would ‘end him’ if he didn’t get my friend (his flatmate) home despite how drunk I was.
I may be considered a whore (2:28, Lost Generation, Rizzle Kicks), but you must think about the people providing such names. Who are they? What sad little lives they lead to slander other people instead of speaking well.
I have one last point to make.
You are strong. You are beautiful. Never change who you are.