Hello one and all!

And welcome back to another week of one single person telling other single people what it’s like to be single. You guys seem to enjoy it, so I’m gonna keep writing about it.

After last week’s quite personal and quite intense (for me anyway) article, I thought I would do something a little more light-hearted. Something that I feel most single people need to know how to do. And that is, a One-Night-Stand (ONS). Obviously, different for everyone and once again I’m just talking about how this straight cis female gets her kicks, but hopefully some of my tips can be universal and you can all be one-night-stand experts like myself. Because I feel like this is one bit of single life that I know pretty well. So let’s get into it.

So, from my experience ONS tend to happen on nights out, whether it’s at a club, house party, randomly at a pub/student pub, or you went on a date with someone from a dating app and you weren’t attracted to them enough to go on another date but you were to bump uglies together. My golden rule for everyone though is: DON’T GO TO THESE PLACES WITH THE INTENT TO PULL!!! The reason being, if you go on a night out with friends and your only goal for the night out is to pull someone and get a shag, one: you’re not really enjoying your night out with your mates and they will get annoyed, and two: if you don’t end up pulling you’re gonna be a little bitch at the end of the night and think the whole night was a waste of time because you didn’t get a shag. And while your friends will be talking about what a great night they had and you’ll be crying over your cheesy chips about how you’re unattractive and nobody wants to sleep with you.

Take it from someone that’s been that person. If it happens great, and if it doesn’t just remember you’ve still had a great night out with your friends and you should enjoy that because you don’t know when the next time will be. I also found, the times I did get laid was when I wasn’t actively looking for it (apart from my crazy holiday to Malaga, but that was exceptional circumstances. If you go on holidays like that you’re gonna get laid no matter what).

This, however, leads on to my next tip. Although you shouldn’t go out with the intent to pull, always be prepared. I was once both a Guide and an Explorer (The top tire of Scouts) and I live my life by that motto. So what do I mean by always being prepared? So, it’s very simple things, and not bringing a whole over-night bag with you on a night out. For example, if you know you’re going on a night out, even if it’s just to the pub, because you never know, and you think “hey, if I do pull maybe I’d want to bring them back to mine” just give your room a quick tidy. I don’t mean deep clean; I mean put the clothes that are on The Chair away. Pick up those undies and socks and put them in the wash basket. Maybe hide that cuddly toy you own for a bit. If you do pull, they come back to a slightly tidier room, and if you don’t, you’ve started tidying your room which is always good.

Any boys reading this, this is a tip for you because I have been in some messy rooms. The other thing you should do to be prepared is what you pack in your going out bag. This is the bare minimum. Like I said, don’t be trying to pack your make-up remover and that because that’s being too prepared and a bit weird. All you need is a couple of condoms, because women should never rely on the guy for that. If you’re a glasses wearer and you’re wearing your contacts on a night out, just pack your glasses just in case, and a pack of gum so you don’t feel as gross when you’re doing your Stride of Pride the night day. This tip comes from a time where I went out determined not to pull ending up doing so and going back to the guy’s place (because I was visiting my old uni so I didn’t have a place) and then had to do my Stride of Pride back to my mate’s place completely blind because I didn’t bring my glasses out. Also, the condom situation was not good. So yes, be slightly prepared but not too prepared.

So, you’re now on your night out or whatever just having a great time and not thinking about pulling but a very attractive person has caught your eye and you think “yeah, I’m DTF”, what do you do now? Easy answer, just go talk to them. Don’t spend your whole night staring at them, hoping they’ll catch your eye and come talk to you because that rarely, if ever, happens. If you want it, you gotta shoot your shot. I remember this one time, I was at my student bar and my mate was in front of me in the queue and she just turns to the guy next to her and goes “Hey, you’re fit. I’m so-and-so, what’s your name?”. And that is the energy we need in life. If you shoot your shot and you get turned down, just have a shot of tequila and carry on with your night. But you had a go and you don’t have to sit their wondering “what if?”. Because you could also end up with a shag at the end of the night.

So, now you’re at the end of your night, you’ve shot your shot with the person in the club and you’ve ended up snogging in the smoking area, or the dance floor, or both. Or you’ve come to the end of your date and you don’t like the guy enough for a second date, but there is mad sexual chemistry. So what do you do? You just gotta ask them. You know, the whole, “your place or mine?” situation. Or, like I have done before “I’m going home, do you want to go with me?”. Or, really niche, the last ONS I had (where I didn’t bring my glasses), the friend I was staying with saw that I was getting it on with the guy and was like, “right, I’m tired I’m fucking off” so I turned to the guy and was like “looks like I’m staying at yours then”. Then you just gotta decided where you are going to go. There are pros and cons of both. When I was at uni, I tended to bring guys back to mine, mainly because I had an ensuit so it meant I could easily do the after sex pee. And I could take my make-up off before going to bed and I didn’t have to do the Stride of Pride the next day. But it really depends on person to person. If the guy’s house is closer, it might just be better to go to his.

Sometimes, like in my last case, you don’t have an option. Also now, because I live with my parents again so I can never go back to mine. So, if he lives without his parents that is the only option you have. My one piece of advice if you go back to theirs, is locate the toilet before having sex so you know how far you need to go for the after sex pee.

The last thing to cover is the Stride of Pride the next day (fuck the Walk of Shame). So, despite all my ONS I only experience this with the last one I had. Like I said, I tended to bring guys back to mine even on holidays. I remember waking up in this guy’s bed before him and thinking “Right, what do I do now? Do I leave before he wakes up? Do I wait for him to wake up? Do I wake him up and let him know that I’m leaving?” In the end I just went back to sleep and woke up again when he did. Now, normally your Stride of Pride, is a walk home if you’re in uni, or a quick uber ride at 4 in the morning because nobody wanted to cuddle after. But in London, most of the time you live very far away from each other, so you had to stay over and then you’re on the Victoria line on a Sunday morning in last night’s clothes and with a raging hang over because you didn’t want to shell out £50 for the uber. The most important thing to remember is, no matter how disgusting you feel and you can’t wait to jump in the shower, you still got sex and you’re telling the group chat all about it.

So, that concludes my tips on how to do a One-Night-Stand. I hope that was useful to you in some way, and if it wasn’t useful at least it was entertaining. Now go forth and be a hoe! Unless that’s not your thing. Next week I will be discussing whether Friends with Benefits are worth it or not.

On that note, I do have the next three weeks planned, but if there is anything you want me to cover with all my knowledge, please email thehystriacollective@gmail.com or message me personally or DM on Instagram @raffpatmore.

Remember, single life is a choice, just not always your choice, but it’s how you deal with it that makes it worthwhile.

Take Care

Aunty Raff xx