To the people being rude about my green glasses behind me in the theatre,
I am sorry that I hide behind them.
I find the world too bright
And they stop me from getting overwhelmed.
To my society,
I’m sorry that sometimes I can’t do social gatherings.
My brain gets tired of having to translate how other people are feeling and thinking.
I can’t deal with the screaming of constant translating.
To my best friends,
I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in public the other day,
I don’t always get the social translations right.
Though I’m glad you found it funny,
I found it funny too.
To my partner,
I’m sorry we couldn’t meet in that pub.
I know its your favourite place
But the music is too loud and I can’t focus on anything else
And I just want to talk to you.
To the person who nearly hit me with their car,
I’m sorry I walk about in a daze,
My brain can’t shut off the many things it has to do
Nor staring at the stars and contemplating problems of the universe.
To my mother,
I am sorry for all the stress I put you through with my health conditions,
It can’t be easy seeing your child in excruciating amounts of pain
Though I’m getting better.
Yet again, to my partner,
I’m sorry I don’t let you sleep in my bed,
I know you see it as rejection but
I scream in the night.
I can’t stay still.
I sleep sing.
And you would not want that.
I worry that if you see the imperfect side of me
You will leave.
To my housemates,
I’m sorry I struggle to complete basic house chores.
It must be infuriating but
My brain panics when it has to follow a set of instructions.
To you, it may seem simple washing clothes
But for me it took four loads before I managed to work it out.
To my friends,
I’m sorry I didn’t watch the fireworks with you,
I know its your favourite event of the year
It used to be one of mine too but
They remind me of my past.
I struggle to not re-live it as it is.
To my house mates again,
I’m sorry I spend so much time in my room.
I know you want to spend time with me but
Anxiety and depression are tiring and
I need to rest.
Again to my partner,
I’m sorry I don’t let you touch me.
I don’t want you to leave me but
Sometimes I find the situation too intense
And I need you to slow down
And tell me everything is going to be ok.
For the last time, to my ex-partner,
I’m sorry I didn’t communicate much.
I know that’s the reason you left
Because you didn’t think I cared.
It terrified me to tell you that I loved you.
I do, so much.
But now its too late
And I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting that
I didn’t explain to you that I see the world slightly differently
To how you see it.